If you are anything like me, you probably have had these types of thoughts in response to the thought of asking someone else for help:
- Asking for help means weakness.
- If I can get through this (insert situation) on my own, I will be stronger.
- No one expects me to need help, so I can’t ask for help.
- No one ever asks me for help, so if everyone else can get along with asking why can’t I?
- I should be able to do anything and everything on my own!
The list goes on and on…
I will speak for myself, but I do believe that there is a generalizability to these thoughts I have. This concept that we should be “able to do everything on our own” is potentially the most damaging, yet this is a common thread amongst those closest to me (and I am sure many of you). This idea that we can navigate life on our own is a fallacy. It doesn’t matter how independent we think we are; we are still social beings. We all feed off one another, taking cues from our environment and those around us on how to feel and act. Our own emotions still play a large role in our self-determination, yet we are still greatly influenced by our social circles.
Even though we all want to “do it on our own”, many still do understand the concept of being influenced by their surroundings. Sometimes, our influence is merely responding automatically to an attack, or unintentionally snapping back when there is tension in the air. Even if we want to act cordially and not add fuel to the fire, sometimes our environment determines what we will do before we can pay it any mind.
Just today, for no reason my wife and I started to bicker. Both of our environments were upsetting and frustrating, but there was no reason for us to fighting with one another. We were easily sucked into the fight because of our current situation, and our anger and frustration fueled one another until we found ourselves involved in a quarrel that may have never occurred if we had taken a pause to recognize our stress and frustration.
Everyone has been there. When metaphorically “under attack”, you will inadvertently either attack with greater energy, or retreat into submission and take the “assault.” In our current environment where accommodation and relationships are key, neither response is ideal, though this is the “fight or flight” reaction that mother nature has left us to contend with.
We are all familiar with that harsher response that we have to the frustration in our environment, but what about how we would respond to someone else’s grief, or their pain?
Think about this:
- If I tell a significant other that I love them, even if they are mad, they will likely (at least I hope) respond with, “I love you too” even if it is under their breath.
- If I tell a friend that I lost a loved one and they see me crying, they will likely respond by embracing me.
- If I call up a family member or friend on the phone and just tell them I need someone to listen to me without judgment so I can vent, they will likely be a willing and quiet listener.
At this point, I know I am not telling you anything you don’t already know. If we think about how we would respond to someone else we care about in these trying situations, wouldn’t it seem they would respond similarly to us if we were in pain? If this is true, why do we still find it so hard to ask for help? I find it interesting that we can accept that we will attack if attacked or will console if someone needs consoling, yet when it boils down to it most of us will fight tooth and nail before asking, “would you help me?”
This topic for me is not random; it came to me when I was in Venice beach filming a vlog last month. I started speaking about asking for help, and I was inspired about the topic because at the time I had so many plates balancing in the air (metaphorically), that I needed to start asking for help myself. During that vlog, I came up with a statement that happens to be the title of this blog:
“Ask for help not for yourself but for others” Ely Albalos, 2022
Not necessarily mind-blowing information, or is it? If you agree with my comments at the beginning of this blog, then you know that you are hesitant to ask for help when you need it. Well, if I also admit that I am hesitant to ask for help when I need it, we are at a stalemate. In the case of asking for help, one of us will need to give in if we want to move forward with both of our skills combined. It may mean allowing yourself to be vulnerable in front of others, but that is the only way to make a change. Someone needs to be vulnerable and ignore all those misconceptions we have about what it means to ask for help. Maybe instead of thinking “who has to be the weaker one to ask for help first”, we can think about it differently: what if you asking for help would create a ripple effect and help someone else as well?
Let me give you an example of something I experienced recently. I have been working on launching my Bitcoin ATM business, called Bit Bytes ATM. It has been a struggle right from the start. There is little known about the industry and when people hear that it is associated with “Bitcoin” doors are instantly shut. For example, it took me six months and about 80 phone calls to different banks just to find one that would partner with my company. Even then, it took another six weeks before my account was finally approved and established. I am now to the point where I need to get my machines in stores, but I literally don’t have enough time in the day to maintain my doctoral studies, write blogs, write a book, record podcasts, work a full-time job, and spend quality time with my wife.
We have a house cleaner named Gwen (for the purpose of this blog), that we got to know for about a year and half through the cleaning company we contracted with. She is a great person, and my wife and I grew to adore her. As we got to know her, we found that Gwen is a single mother trying to make ends meet, had recently lost a family member, and simultaneously navigating her kids’ medical issues as well. We have a soft spot in our heart for Gwen, and I knew she would be a great field representative for my company, but I didn’t want to cause complications with her work by approaching her for an opportunity. I was also afraid to ask her for help because I wouldn’t be able to match her full-time hours, and did not want her to feel obligated to help me if it didn’t make sense.
Last week, she revealed to us that she was leaving the cleaning company. She had worked for the company for 10 years but was not being treated fairly. I knew that was an opportunity for me to approach her about working for my company part-time. I waited until I knew it was her last day with her employer and sent a simple text message asking if she would be interested in helping me launch my company. She immediately responded with a resounding, “Yes!”
I met with Gwen to discuss the opportunity in person, last Sunday, and I knew she was a perfect fit. After we were done with the business stuff, she blew me away with a comment. Provided is a paraphrased snippet of what she said:
“You and your wife have always been so good to me. You always ask how I am doing and you have always been so generous during the holidays. On Friday, my last day at work, I was really scared. I knew it was the right thing to do because I couldn’t continue to be mistreated but I didn’t know what I was going to do to support my family. I was leaving work for the last time, feeling depressed, when I got your text. I literally couldn’t stop smiling. I knew you both always looked after me. I called my Mom right away and told her I had a job opportunity. Thank you for thinking of me and asking me to help you.”
I was so blown away that it took me a few seconds to regain my bearings.
There I was, in a situation where had I not asked this person for help, not only would I have missed an opportunity to help someone that desperately needed it, but I would not have realized how much she needed to ask me for help as well. Perhaps we would have never connected if I had not made that small leap of faith.
We need to rethink the concept that asking for help is a bad thing, and reframe the situation so that we illuminate the potential benefit to others. Why not try to reframe the thoughts at the beginning of this blog and make them focused on serving others by asking for help?
- Asking for help shares vulnerability and opens us up to helping each other.
- If I can’t get through this (insert situation) on my own I can ask for help and I will be stronger because of it.
- No one expects me to need help, but if I need help it’s ok to ask for help.
- No one ever asks me for help, but I know everyone needs it so why can’t I be the first person to ask my friends and family for help?
- I should be able to do anything and everything on my own but the world is a scary and complicated place and it is ok and even necessary to lean on others for support.
In the end, it will always be you who has to conquer you fears and embark on this journey of life—nobody can do it for you. However, there is nothing wrong with having people who stand beside you when you do embark on this journey.
Try it out. If you can reframe how you think about asking for help and can influence others to do the same, how much better off would we all be? Even if you ask someone for help when you really need it and they deny you, you are no worse off, but I guarantee your inquiry will have an impact on the other person. Better yet, what if after you ask for help the other person responds in an unpredicted manner with something they were hesitant to open up about?