First off, I don’t want folks to read this blog and assume that I am discrediting personal experience. Especially those experiences that are awful. Instead I offer a different perspective on how to perceive your life experiences, especially those that become baggage we can’t seem to let go.
I know that there are times in my life where I have held onto baggage for far too long. Recently, on a Daily Dose (a live video I do regularly on my Facebook page), I discussed how losing a business in 2010 crushed me on a personal and professional level. I had left a full-time job in law enforcement in 2008 so that my wife and I could pursue our dream of opening up a CrossFit Gym. As self-identified OG’s (or old guys), we were about four years ahead of the CrossFit mainstream boom. When you pair the fact that no one knew about CrossFit with a paralyzing economic crisis, you end up with a recipe for disaster. On top of that, I was not as educated in business management as I am now and couldn’t find the means to weather the metaphorical economic storm. In 2010, exactly two years to the month after opening, we had to close the doors to the business. Not only did we have to file for bankruptcy in order to liquidate the business, but we had to file for personal bankruptcy because the business loan we held was secured by our personal home. As I mentioned earlier, the whole thing was a recipe for disaster.
I will digress for a short paragraph here. As a faith based person, I am able to look back many years later and realize that even in the hardest times my wife and I were truly blessed. When you run a business for two years and it is slowly crumbling away you have two choices. You either run for the hills at the first sign of trouble, or you stand your ground and pull out every trick in the book to make things work. We did the latter, and pulled out every single trick we had. It was the only reason we were able to last so long. You might ask why we would try to hold on that long amongst the crisis situation we were in. Well for us, regardless of the financial situation we faced, we loved working with our clients. During our two years we were able to serve over 100 clients in our gym. The vast majority had never picked up a barbell before, and many lacked confidence in their abilities. I had clients cry on my shoulder over their worries about their health, leading them through our doors. I had clients that went from never touching a barbell to competing in powerlifting competitions. Best of all, I can safely say that every single person that walked through our doors was a healthier and stronger version of themselves when they walked back out. If we had to do it again, I can 100% say we would. Investing in people will always reap the best returns.
Now, back to the story. In 2010, I had to figure out what I was going to do with myself. I had left a full-time job in law enforcement, and when faced with the necessity of finding a new job, I was stuck at a crossroads. In 2010, I didn’t have a degree, I was closing the doors on a business, and I didn’t want to go back into law enforcement: but it was the only real tangible skill I possessed. As things would have it, there was one thing we had going for us, something that had always been working in the background, but like a prodigal son it took our circumstances to awaken us and return to a safe haven. Our faith in Jesus Christ saved us. My wife and I re-centered our priorities and grounded ourselves in the Church. As faith would have it, I was able to find a different path to consider for employment. I fell upon a job listed on Craigslist. The job started off as being a contractor for a security company at the Apple Campus in Cupertino. The only reason I was hired was because of my law enforcement experience. So there I was, dreading returning to law enforcement, and worried because it was the only skill I had, but I found a perfect job that suited my skill set. Within six weeks of working part-time for the security company I was offered a full-time job. The rest is an amazing 10+ year history that I will share over time.
During all those trials and tribulations of dealing with the business, bankruptcy, and unemployment things were really starting to defeat me. There were definitely times of self-pity, blame, and self-doubt. While I was right in the middle of the mess, I felt like my whole world was crashing down around me. I absolutely felt like my circumstances were unique to only me, and the whole world was working against me. Looking back, we can all agree that there were hundreds of thousands if not millions of people affected by the 2008-2010 economic crash. Through that lens, my circumstances were not unique at all. While my exact experiences are unique to me, by circumstances during that time were shared by many. My point to all of this is that each and every one of us, at some time in our lives, goes through circumstances that we feel define us. Whether it is a bankruptcy, divorce, bad relationship, or a bad habit/obsession, we tend to internalize our circumstances under the belief that no one will “ever be able to understand.” Worst yet, I think that people start to believe that they can’t talk to other people for fear of being judged.
In my opinion, the minute we all start to realize that our circumstances aren’t truly unique we will all be able to be more open about what we are going through. Think about it. What happens if we are more willing to open up to someone we trust about our circumstances? I would hope that when you choose someone you trust and open up to them, the best thing that will happen is you discover they have something powerful to share, and you realize you really aren’t alone. If this confidant is someone you love and trust, the worst that will happen is you get something off your chest and now have a stronger support system to help you through experiences that are unique to you. One caveat to all of this is there is always the possibility that depending on what and to whom you share you may not get the support you need. Being really picky about who you open to for this reason, but I very much believe even for the most introverted of us you can always find a friend, family member, mentor or even a professional that you can open up to. Regardless, I believe a lot can be said about sharing what you are going through with someone else. Like a debilitating disease, I truly believe that internalizing your distress under the belief that your circumstances are unique, because of fear of opening up, will break you down over time.
My main point is that if you can stop treating your circumstances as unique and open up to another person, you can eliminate the stress of feeling of being alone. You will also be able to let go of baggage that you feel may be defining you. It was about six years after closing the business that I was able to finally let the defeat go. It took obtaining my bachelor’s degree, and developing trusted relationships where I was able to open up for me to realize that not everything was my fault. Even though I failed, I did the best I could for two years without any training or education in business. Letting go of that baggage allowed me to regain my confidence in being a business owner. This leads me to the next point.
While your circumstances may not be unique, what you do with your experiences from your circumstances can make you special. The tendency for folks in “unique circumstances” is to internalize and let their circumstances define them. Speaking for myself I know that I looked at my survival from child abuse and living through domestic violence as a sadastic badge of honor. It may sound weird to some that may not have lived through similar experiences, but I used those past experiences as fuel for my drive. However, what I thought was a positive use of my experience was actually self defeating. I wouldn’t talk to anyone about what I had lived through, not even my wife knew all the facts. Even though those experiences had an impact on my relationship with my wife, it took many years to open up to her because as much as we loved each other I feared her judgment. I realize now that I am “special” because rather than do what is usual for people in my circumstances, privately dealing with them in silence, I have opened up about those experiences and I am actively using my experience to help others.
Looking at yourself as being special does not need to be seen as being conceited. Being special allows you to be better than your circumstances, especially when you are able to positively influence others by sharing your experiences.
Let me give you a very simple example that illustrates you do not have to be conceited to see yourself as “unique”. I have mentioned a couple of times now that I am an introvert at heart, but I have the ability to tap into the extrovert traits in me, especially in a crowd or the presence of others. This last week my wife and I were taking part in a week-long hosting event for church. During the week we had a chance to get to know our pastor and his wife. They learned very quickly that my personality can take over a party. Well, granting them that insight into my personality sort of backfired. I was called out by the pastor’s wife to join children on stage to perform a “church clap” dance during the service. Not one to shy away from a social call out, I seized the opportunity, jumped on stage, and started dancing with the kids. I could have easily reverted to my introverted nature or worried about being judged by strangers and stayed in my seat next to my wife. Instead, I rose above those circumstances and allowed myself to be the special person I know myself to be. At the end of the service, I had three different people walk up to me congratulating me on going on stage without hesitation. One of those people was a man that identified himself as a military veteran who was about my same age and build. He walked up to me and said, “thank you.” He followed up by saying, “… as a veteran I still have this weird macho thing and would have been terrified to dance in front of a bunch of strangers with a bunch of kids.” He continued, “…but seeing you up there, I saw a dude that looks like a man’s man dancing and having a good time with a bunch of kids. I want to be more like that, thanks.”
Knowing you are special and able to rise above your circumstances will change how you interact with the world around you. Best of all, if you are able to take your “unique circumstances” and use them in a way that others may not, especially when it means you are able to help others, you are definitely doing something that is special.
As I end this blog, I remind folks that I am not discrediting personal experience. Instead, I offer a different perspective on how to perceive your life experiences, especially those that become baggage we can’t seem to let go of. The whole purpose of changing your perspective is so that you understand you are not alone in your “unique” trials and tribulations. In my opinion, while it does happen, there are very few circumstances that are truly unique, but I believe that chances of those happening are as high as spotting a unicorn. However, everything that you have been through can make you special. Use that “specialness” to let go of your baggage and help others in the process.